Making a Decision in the New Year - Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The beginning of a new year is a time when we promise ourselves we will make important changes. Often we’ve known for awhile that we want to turn our lives in a new direction, but we can’t seem to follow through with such a major shift. Sometimes our inaction involves ambivalence about making the change, lack of will, fear, or all of the above.

One of the most difficult life changes one can make is to break away from a long term relationship. Even if the reasons for the break-up far outweigh those for staying together, loneliness and fear of the unknown can hold us back. As can the sweeter memories that may blur our overall perspective. Regardless of the unhappiness, incompatibility, betrayal, or even abuse that motivates one partner to contemplate leaving the other, it is still common to cling to the slimmest possibility of a happier future. For many of us on the brink of a break-up, when we look at our mate, we see not only the person we know is not right for us, but also the one we once thought was “the one.” It’s not easy to give up on that hopeful image, even in the most hopeless of circumstances. And even when both parties agree that dissolving the relationship is the best course to take, neither is likely to avoid the emotional pain that follows a break-up. Which is why some people put off making the decision until the situation becomes even more unbearable.

So how do we make such an important decision? Is there a general guideline one can follow to make this contemplated change any easier? It may sound simplistic, but one key to making a change is to finally give up on what hasn’t worked in the past. When you reach the point where you can say with conviction, “It is impossible to make this relationship work, and I refuse to be unhappy any longer” you’ll discover that taking decisive action becomes almost automatic. Aina (not her real name), a friend of mine who had endured years of emotional abuse from her husband, got to the point where she told herself, “I’ve had enough unhappiness. From now on, I will own my life-I will not hand it over to anyone else!” In order for Aina to arrive at that decision, she had to firmly declare that she was giving up the struggle to hold onto an unhealthy relationship. Once she made that assertion, she was free to consider what she really wanted from her life and to make new choices.

During this season of new beginnings, we can to learn to let go of an unworkable relationship, even as we acknowledge the good times and loving moments. We can treasure and celebrate those moments even as we conclude that it is now time to make a change. Holding on to illusions about how things could get better-when we know in our hearts that too many chances have been given, and sufficient remedies have been tried-only creates unnecessary suffering.

Again, the key is to know when to give up. When we are in tune with our emotions and our intuition, making the decision to stay or to leave is not so difficult. It will be obvious when we are expending energy on a relationship that has no hope of working out, and that it is time to grow in a new direction. By turning away from a relationship that holds no promise of happiness or fulfillment, we free ourselves to consider new possibilities. And if we are open to new paths, life will always provide them.