I'm evolving and getting better at these things as I get older and more mature, but I have been finding it really challenging lately, to see improvements in all of the several roles and tasks I take on in life.
I like to see results. I like proof, the fine print, the A+, the fast times with running or the pat on the back when I do something right. I haven't been keeping in mind that even when it feels like I'm failing at things or doing a bad job, even when I can only pick out the negatives instead of the positives...I'm still evolving and getting better at life. I'm doing GREAT even though I'm not getting the recognition all the time, but not getting recognition can lead to me sometimes feeling unhappy.
Do you ever feel like you're taking one step forward and two steps back? It's nearly impossible to get to the finish line. In your mind, you're putting everything you can into something, yet you still see no results. It can be so frustrating and unfortunately there is never a quick fix. I spend so much time examining everyone elses behaviors, problems and mental health issues, that I tend to block out time to reflect and examine my own. It's way more fun to solve everyone elses problems and ignore my own fears about the world in front of me. By ignoring my own challenges, I ignore the opportunity to change and grow....to evolve ( getting better)
Today something really great happened to me. I can call it an epiphany if you want, but I'd like to think that this realization has been "evolving" for a while. It's something I have finally recognized and taken responsibility for, something that I am extremely bad at and something I ABSOLUTELY have to fix before I can really make a lasting impression on society.
SELF CARE and finding what makes me REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY
I know what you're going to say. "You can't take care of others if you don't know how to take care of yourself". I hear that ALL THE TIME. I ignore it ALL THE TIME. It's hard to believe something like that when you're doing just fine taking care of people ( even when you're not being nice to yourself). Let me tell you what will happen if you don't listen to people when they tell you to take care of yourself, - You will burn out !!It's remarkable that I am still standing after all this time. After all this time of being this humanitarian and someone with these fairytale type thoughts, These dreams that with the snap of a finger, and with my magic wand, anything is possible. The only reason I'm still standing is probably because Allah hasn't given up on me. And in his own funny way, he has somehow convinced me not to give up on myself. Those previous dreams I've had, have become a tough reality let me tell you. If I'm going to survive, I need to take action immediately.
Perhaps maybe if I had listened to those folks telling me to take care of myself, I wouldn't feel so damn tired all the time. The truth is, I'm not even tired from helping others. I'm tired because I haven't done much to help myself. And now all of a sudden 'it's all coming back to me'. REALITY CHECK ZUKE !! I'm the one who needs the therapist now!! I have recognized that I have problems with self care. I have also come to realize that I could end up doing a HUGE disservice to my family and colleagues by not taking care of my mind and body in my future jobs. So many people are depending on me and not just in my profession, but in my personal life. Not practicing self-care really ends up hurting everyone.
Everyday of feeling unhappy or stressed out has led me to today where I feel in control of changing. I have evolved and am still evolving. I guess you could say I had a bit of relapse with my self-esteem and began second guessing a few things that really shouldn't be second guessed. I am who I am- take it or leave it and it's way too exhausting to be someone I'm not.
The last few days I have done some serious reflection on why I have been in such an over-sensitive and worried mood. I can only blame myself and the way I interpret the world and people around me. I pay too much attention and care too much about what everyone else is thinking about me or wanting from me. I completely disregard the shoes I WANT to walk in.
I tend to live for others and not for myself which then leads me feeling a HUGE loss of identity and feelings of resentment towards people I care about. A perfect example that I can't get out my mind, happened a few weeks ago which has affecting my mind, body and soul..I just pour myself out until I'm running on Empty. That can tend to leave me feeling a little bummed out, worn out and confused. When I say confused, I mean that I just don't understand why I always have to be the one to feel so heavy. I think I'm still learning to control my emotions, and balance my personal life..... these thoughts will never end. It's a scary and exciting time, and it these thoughts and feelings can make me feel very alone and confused.
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